i love you more than all the stars

i have opened up to whoever reads my random personal posts about my struggle with eating disorders. and my biggest wish is to be that slightest bit of strength to anyone who may feel as if recovery is unattainable. because it is possible. i am a recovered victim of both anorexia and bulimia/ EDNOS.

i think what makes it nearly impossible to recover from any mental illness, especially eating disorders is the fact that is is just too damn hard to talk about. both for the one suffering and the family and friends sitting on the sidelines feeling helpless as they watch a loved one's life spiral out of control. my hope for the future is that the public as a whole will enhance the awareness of how dangerous and scary these cases are. i hope for girls to seek help without shame and not be judged once they do so... but at any rate, my main point of focus right here, right now. is the mere thought that only the strong ones are dealt a tough pair of cards.

there is something to be said about pain. all realms of pain... suffering, heartbreak, loneliness, trauma, rejection, loss, struggle defeat, hopelessness, insomnia, fear, so on and so forth.

The one's who have experienced the most pain end up with a remarkable understanding of life and hunger to live each day to it's highest potential. the pain i have felt keeps me fighting for peace. clarity. a deep compassion for not only my life, but everyone's around me. and a guide to reveal that once again, love. always. wins.

my source of strength has always come from my family. i don't think it's an accident that i have such a solid and loving family. and there is no doubt in my mind why my mother is the most selfless, most compassionate, and impossibly worrisome person i know. it's almost like my whole life was set up to have my mother there to be my gaurdian angel. my backbone. she is the core of my strength. and it breaks my heart to have hurt her over and over again through the years, because we are a team, when i am weak, she is strong. when i am hurt, she is heartbroken. but when i am strong, she is at ease. when i am happy she is grateful. and when i shine, she is extremely proud. when i make her proud, it mends pieces of my broken spirit.

my maud (short for madre... idk a weird nickname that has forevermore replaced mom) has been through a lot with me on this hell of a journey. she is the one who confronted me on my 18th birthday about my eating disorder and the one who has had to step up over and over again as "the bad guy" to make me face my issues when i wanted to run away from them. but with recovery comes understanding, and with understanding comes better communication.

recently, i have been at odds with depression. eating disorders and depression very often go hand in hand... yet i always thought that if i beat my e.d. that the depression would tinker off. which lets be honest i did not exactly put a lot of thought into that because i never in my right mind thought i would win this battle with the eating disorder. but i did. thats a topic i want to further on later, because a lot of people ask me what was the final pull that got me through.... it's a hell of a lot more complicated than that.

but anyways back to my point: i have recovered from the e.d. but the depression is not at the slightest bit gone. which sucks. but you know, if i have made it this far, i can certainly fight just. a. little. bit. longer. at the first signs of depression worsening i talked to my doctor and she changed up the meds. i was put on prestiq which was THE ABSOLUTE WORST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME. again, i will have to do a whole separate post about anti-depressants/meds used for all type of mental illness... long story short, i was put on hands down the worst drug i have ever touched and sent back to LA where i live alone as an acting student. this medication completely fucked over my life- as i had an insane allergic reaction to the drug (hives, itching, just an incredible uncomfortable daily feeling), i experienced every possible side effect of the drug, and possibly part of the 1-4% who experience a hypomania reaction to the drug. talk about scary shit.

i was on prestiq for about 6 months and once again my mom 2,400 miles away from me had a bad feeling about this drug. and thanks to her i was taken off it. it seems weird to look back, but i truly didn't know the hell i was going through. i just took my meds and thought well this is suppose to be making me better. anyways i really will have to go further into that because it was down right insanity and i would not wish this upon my worst enemy.

once i was off the prestiq and back on a more mild anti-depressant. i wound up in a worse place then i started, my depression has been worse than ever, and i am possibly experiencing a sort of post-traumatic stress from the horror story i went through. point being, my mom has proved once again that i am never in this alone. she will never, ever give up on me. and she wishes that one day i seek true happiness and get back to the great samantha she knows is still there deep down. all it took was a phone call and she was on her way to LAX to spend time with me. to merely be there for support. i dropped her off at the airport today and sent her back off to Nashville. but i am very thankful that she was able to come out here and just be here for me. it ended up being great timing as she was able to see my first showcase and help me prep for my audition.

she will never fully understand the emotional roller coaster my life has taken me on. but she tries harder everyday and as the years, months, or simply days go by i slowly find ways to let her in a bit more. i want to reinforce how supportive my entire family is- my perfect father, my best friend and sister Ali and oh yeah that other guy in the family and brother Lucas... i keeed i keed, Luke you are the greatest older brother a girl could ask for and we share a love for music that is nearly identical it's kind of crazy. But my darling mother, my friend, and my guardian angel- you have been the source of all of my achievements. You have saved my life more than once and my wish for you is that one day i won't be the center of all your stress :/

so my hope for everyone out there struggling with anything from depression to eating disorders, to bipolar and everything in between. is that you find that one person who is always there to bring you back to life. that you have that support system in your life to keep you going. because no one can survive these mental illnesses alone, and you should never feel as if you have to do it on your own. my biggest bit of advice for now is to always have a support system. life is hard enough as it is, and if you are one of those of feel as if your life is of no value, if you feel defeated and broken- think again. because everyone's life has great value. and everyone deserves to be loved. never stop fighting, never give up.

madre

want to meet my mom?

seeester love

I am so excited for this weekend because my sister is in town!! I haven’t mentioned her on my blog recently because, well I haven’t seen her as much as my brother hence the fact he was living with me.

Anyways, I am stoked for her to be here—even is she feels ridiculously “mid-western” straight out of Kansas. No matter where we are we always have so much fun together… mainly because we are both total kids at heart. So take our weirdness and times is by 20 on the days we spend together.

My sister is someone who has been there for me, when I didn’t even want to be there for myself. Just like my mom, she has an unconditional love for me that has helped get me to where I am today.

Ali has such a kind heart and has a tremendous ability to see the good in people. Never judgmental on how I live my life, she is in fact the first person I call in times of crisis.

I think the reason we get along so well, is because we are actually complete opposites. At first you may think we are a lot alike, but once you know us personally-it’s like every single detail between us is opposite. She’s stayed more to the southern style living by going to a laid back school in the Midwest, where as I have always thrived on fast paced big city dreams.

She wants about a million children, and the thought of kids to me is like totally a lifetime away. Like I might just have to adopt a cute little Chinese nugget, because the thought of being pregnant grosses me out…
She is a total Murray and I am the definition of a Foley. I am always single, and she is usually in a relationship. She loves country music, I love indie/alternative.
So on so forth, it goes on for days. But the point is, our personalities mesh so well. If we fight, we have about a 10 second rebound and then we are moving on to the next silly thing to do.Well, that’s Ali. Just wanted to brag about how amazing my sister is.(below) she came to visit me at Bonnaroo!! she was having a rough day.(below) ALI FOLEY'S A FAKER! this is us at her fake graduation, such a proud moment for her.
us dancing in Brooklyn, you know the usual....

So, Alexandra Arminta Foley- thank you so much for being the best sister and my best friend. I owe so much to you and I love you forever & always.

ps. watch for entertainment...

music city.

& here I am. Once again, in "my room" wherever it may be at the time, but this time I am truly home. Nashville, the place I will always have to call my own. A place I am loved for who I am and a place I will forever & always belong. Yet, my time at home has come to an end & I am packing to head back to the west coast.

It's always bittersweet because I hate saying goodbye to this place, but after just a few days here, I feel like a stronger person. I get back in touch with my goofy ass self and can just relax with the fam. I really needed this-- I start school FULL TIME on the 7th. It is going to be like having a full time job. The hours will be long, grueling, and demanding. My teachers really expect that if we got into the school that we must show everyday that we really deserve to be there...

but LA talk can wait. Recap on home:: My dad bought me a new guitar!!! The one I have in LA is really old and the handle is really big, so it's hard for me to hold down the chords. And after he saw me practicing on the guitar we have at home (the nicest acoustic guitar EVER)... he didn't like the idea of me taking that guitar back with me hah, but he DID suggest a new one! so i have a new baby... a beautiful, perfect guitar that plays so smoothly. ughhhh the beginning process is the hardest, i can't wait to be really good.. because umm i WILL be, just wait.My favorite things about being home:: NO TRAFFIC, and if there was I didn't even notice. It was nice to be able to travel more than 5 miles under an hour ha, but seriously!! I HATE LA TRAFFIC. (pic= backyard @ rumours east) but, I will be moving closer in towards my school so the traffic will improve a whole lot! (I'm looking at the Villas that Lauren Conrad lived in with Audrina in season 1 or so of the Hills) The place is so nice with a pool and better quality than what I have now.Of course while I was home, I made a few stops @ Rumours East in East Nashville. It's the cutest wine bar in Nashville that my parents own. The food is INCREDIBLE!! (chef in picture above)
& the style of the wine bar is super chic. (above, the most precious bathroom ever)
Prob my all time fave of being home= my backyard. I enjoyed soaking up the sun, while studying my chords for the past few days. I finally got a tan going again :) ohh & my hair lightened up even more, as you can see ....
I guess I am back to blonde. & lastly I always love going to Green Hills (Center & Mall). Green Hills is my sweet haven when I am back. Okay, must finish packing. catchyaaa on the opposite coast. not like I am on a coast here, but you know what I mean. right. lates.

xo.

home town bliss

i remember my first kiss

in the backyard underneath the stars

home town bliss

where my brother would raise a first

to protect my tender little soul

the place i call my home

is a place i call my own

somewhere my heart will always belong

no matter where i've been

and all the crazy things i've done

i can come back here to start again

i think about my falls

and the days i had to crawl

down on my knees with shaking faith

this place i call my home

serenity that's my own

is a bittersweet recap of life

my tender southern soul

i'm accepted, i am whole

allowed to have stars in my eyes.

where dreams meet reality

escape the lies & heartbreak

i am perfectly content all alone.

in my home town bliss

thats better than any wish

dreaming of what has yet to come.

sweet nashville

i am seriously so happy to be home. it really humbles me, and gives me a piece of mind. it's such a safe place for me, because no matter what is going on in my life as crazy or as boring it may be-- i come home and my whole world is normal again. like i have never even left, or as if i haven't even changed or grown up. but reality is, i am changing. i change every year.. every day. sometimes good sometimes bad. but it really is crazy coming back here after just being in LA for the summer, and detoxing from all that bullshit for a week. i love the genuine people here and the kindness.i really do love California, but it's so exhausting and everyone is competition and every day is a new challenge. so i'm just soaking up this bit of sanity i can, because i know in just a few days i need to return with a strong head on my shoulders. because as much as that world scares me, i know how much i want to be apart of it. i was watching the Emmy's here in nashville with my parents and all i could think was "i want to be there one day, i want to be there one day.. i WILL BE THERE ONE DAY"... so my whole life circle continues, it goes to show that no matter what i will be a nashville girl at heart, but the desire to be apart of entertainment business always wins in these situations.. because now i just really want to get back and prove myself.

beverly hills>>

SORRY I HAVE BEEN TERRIBLE ABOUT POSTING!!!
i took my brother to the airport on Sunday & he is back in the south. it seems impossible that he was here for a month & is already gone! so now i'm lonely! WAHH...
these pictures are from last weekend. my friend has a sick house in beverly hills so she had a bunch of friends over & we got a bit rowdy.i love these girls in mah pics, they are from my summer class. a few are coming back with me in the fall, but others have different plans elsewhere.
***kickback, and let the future unfold.
on Sunday night me & dani went to see RENT @ the Hollywood Bowl. The cast included: Vanessa Hudgens, Nicole from the Pussycat Dolls, & George Brady. i have seen RENT on Broadway 3 times, so it was hard to live up to those standards. but they only had a week to rehearse for it, so i was pleasantly pleased with the show.
... future mimi? maaaaybe...
this is my last week of summer classes. so i'll have a lot more time to update my blog in a few days.
grrrr. trying to rock the new hair...? change is good.... hmm, maybe.