straight from my journal.

... but today, i felt happy. and that feeling doesn't happen often. so it's worth recording because it's a beautiful feeling.

 i have a beautiful home. today i am grateful. today i am hopeful.

 & i try my best to remember this...

you're like sunshine.

bring on the sunshine. i have one week left in (still cold/wintery) nashville, then back to the golden state. happy spring loves. xo. 

tied together with a smile.

you know there's something beautiful in the feeling of defeat... sometimes its okay to let your guard down and have that moment of breathlessness. struggle. pain. because it's part of life, and it's part of the journey. 

 

& during these moments, you become stronger. you may not feel like it for a while or see the light at the end of the tunnel, but sometimes when you get pushed to that point you come out as a fighter.

it may hurt like hell, but you realize what it is you have been wanting for so long, and despite the fears and the failed attempts, you never EVER give up. you have the choice to walk away. but you don't. you keep fighting.

you come back better and one day your passion will succeed the others. one day you will have your dreams. i believe we can control much of our future, it's not about luck, heart means everything.

... well that's how i see things recently. life is unpredictable. it's too dangerous to go according to plan, because that's not plausible. life will keep throwing you in all sorts of direction, and you can't avoid it. no one is bulletproof, or perfect, or completely put together. we are all human, so don't let others fool you when they act is if they don't care. everyone cares about something or someone to a certain degree.

everyone has their own way of putting up walls. and what i've learned is just how to cope with my own. i'm not looking for anyone to fix me or figure me out. i am learning how to be strong and honest with whats real. don't ever let anyone tell you how you should feel. don't fall into that trap, just remember to always trust yourself.

let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday

sometimes it's true, when it rains it fucking pours. my past semester has been an overwhelming experience with new material, life lessons, and never ending illnesses. last week was so stressful that it was like fighting a battle. i felt so defeated, but i made it through.

 my schedule is less strenuous until winter break, so i feel really encouraged. going off little sleep, i was in an extremely good mood today. it sucks because my potential lead role got ruined because of my tardies... oops, those caught up on me. i still have a decent role for the exam play, but it's kind of my time to redeem myself and get my head on straight.

 i think at some point i became so overwhelmed, i just couldn't deal. but i feel as if i can breathe again, i feel like i am myself again! i see this all from a positive point of view, because my hours are shorter and earlier, which gives me more free time. free time to play the guitar again and take voice lessons :)

 so in retrospect, the disappointment led to exactly what i needed. more time to get my creative energies flowing on my own. it was like all the work became too stressful that it wasn't fun anymore, and i'm ready to make it fun again. thats what it's all about.

so yeah. i lost hope in myself for a minute, and sometimes you just got to find a way to have faith. life is to hard not to have something to believe in. there's really nothing worse than hitting rock bottom alone.

believe in yourself. believe in your talents. because no matter how many other people do, the only person who can make it happen is yourself. 

oh and lastly, i really like diddy's new song. which will soon be ruined by being overplayed on the radio, so enjoy while it lasts...

music city.

& here I am. Once again, in "my room" wherever it may be at the time, but this time I am truly home. Nashville, the place I will always have to call my own. A place I am loved for who I am and a place I will forever & always belong. Yet, my time at home has come to an end & I am packing to head back to the west coast.

It's always bittersweet because I hate saying goodbye to this place, but after just a few days here, I feel like a stronger person. I get back in touch with my goofy ass self and can just relax with the fam. I really needed this-- I start school FULL TIME on the 7th. It is going to be like having a full time job. The hours will be long, grueling, and demanding. My teachers really expect that if we got into the school that we must show everyday that we really deserve to be there...

but LA talk can wait. Recap on home:: My dad bought me a new guitar!!! The one I have in LA is really old and the handle is really big, so it's hard for me to hold down the chords. And after he saw me practicing on the guitar we have at home (the nicest acoustic guitar EVER)... he didn't like the idea of me taking that guitar back with me hah, but he DID suggest a new one! so i have a new baby... a beautiful, perfect guitar that plays so smoothly. ughhhh the beginning process is the hardest, i can't wait to be really good.. because umm i WILL be, just wait.My favorite things about being home:: NO TRAFFIC, and if there was I didn't even notice. It was nice to be able to travel more than 5 miles under an hour ha, but seriously!! I HATE LA TRAFFIC. (pic= backyard @ rumours east) but, I will be moving closer in towards my school so the traffic will improve a whole lot! (I'm looking at the Villas that Lauren Conrad lived in with Audrina in season 1 or so of the Hills) The place is so nice with a pool and better quality than what I have now.Of course while I was home, I made a few stops @ Rumours East in East Nashville. It's the cutest wine bar in Nashville that my parents own. The food is INCREDIBLE!! (chef in picture above)
& the style of the wine bar is super chic. (above, the most precious bathroom ever)
Prob my all time fave of being home= my backyard. I enjoyed soaking up the sun, while studying my chords for the past few days. I finally got a tan going again :) ohh & my hair lightened up even more, as you can see ....
I guess I am back to blonde. & lastly I always love going to Green Hills (Center & Mall). Green Hills is my sweet haven when I am back. Okay, must finish packing. catchyaaa on the opposite coast. not like I am on a coast here, but you know what I mean. right. lates.

xo.

home town bliss

i remember my first kiss

in the backyard underneath the stars

home town bliss

where my brother would raise a first

to protect my tender little soul

the place i call my home

is a place i call my own

somewhere my heart will always belong

no matter where i've been

and all the crazy things i've done

i can come back here to start again

i think about my falls

and the days i had to crawl

down on my knees with shaking faith

this place i call my home

serenity that's my own

is a bittersweet recap of life

my tender southern soul

i'm accepted, i am whole

allowed to have stars in my eyes.

where dreams meet reality

escape the lies & heartbreak

i am perfectly content all alone.

in my home town bliss

thats better than any wish

dreaming of what has yet to come.

sweet nashville

i am seriously so happy to be home. it really humbles me, and gives me a piece of mind. it's such a safe place for me, because no matter what is going on in my life as crazy or as boring it may be-- i come home and my whole world is normal again. like i have never even left, or as if i haven't even changed or grown up. but reality is, i am changing. i change every year.. every day. sometimes good sometimes bad. but it really is crazy coming back here after just being in LA for the summer, and detoxing from all that bullshit for a week. i love the genuine people here and the kindness.i really do love California, but it's so exhausting and everyone is competition and every day is a new challenge. so i'm just soaking up this bit of sanity i can, because i know in just a few days i need to return with a strong head on my shoulders. because as much as that world scares me, i know how much i want to be apart of it. i was watching the Emmy's here in nashville with my parents and all i could think was "i want to be there one day, i want to be there one day.. i WILL BE THERE ONE DAY"... so my whole life circle continues, it goes to show that no matter what i will be a nashville girl at heart, but the desire to be apart of entertainment business always wins in these situations.. because now i just really want to get back and prove myself.

VOYEUR. ♥

"Change; we don’t like it, we fear it, but we can’t stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. And it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn’t is lying. But here’s the truth: the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh, sometimes change is good. Sometimes, change is everything." — Grey’s Anatomy

so here are pictures & footage from Voyeur, the club i keep talking about. it is a blast!above: picture from their photo booth! yeeeee!! so cute. lurve caroline :)
hands down the best picture of lucas of all time. i laugh every time i see it... oh and thats his new bromance... hmmm...
well this guy is creepy.. haha i met him at the bar, he asked me my name & i told him. and he freaked out, and i quote: "OH MY GOD SAMANTHA IS MY FAVORITE NAME OF ALL TIME!!!!! CHAMPAGNE ON ME..." oh um kewwwwl, thanks?
last night they were on it... playing sick beats all night. total rage worthy.
oh you know, me... my brother... and our pal, mclovin. NBD.
hay boy! suuuuup. fake id chikkaaa chikka yeaaaah.
my new bestie for the summer until she LEAVES me to go back to UT... not okay.
ohhhh the memories we have made this summer & how many more are to come. just day 2 of the 30 he is here.
who me? am i in la la land? oh right, yes yes i am.
the night we saw ashton kutcher! hahaha my brother can NEVER take a fucking normal picture. whatever, its always entertaining the next day.... WATCH VIDEO BELOW::: WE ARE IN THE BACK AT :51.... my big break!? hah jklolnawt.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rO4tTtttOdU&feature=channel

xxx

i love it here. i feel like the broke starving artist and i am totally okay with that small fish in a huge pond feeling. it has helped me take on more responsibility in my life, and i feel way more accomplished.I started classes this week & i love my teachers and the feel for the school!!!! it is my safe zone to be completely free, to let go & be spontaneous. i discover new things about myself every day and i get to feel on this deeper level that so many people shut out of their lives. it is amazing.
keeping the place clean is very hard bc it is so tiny. but i am trying my best! i still have no AC and the futon is still a rock. so hopefully when my brother gets here we can get my full size bed out of storage so i can sleep well :(
yeeeep, my brah is coming to live with me for the rest of july. he's going to work from here while i'm at school and then we have many adventures on our lineup--- already have a calender full of shows i want to hit up with him, including KOL, La Roux, MGMT, & audiotistic!! STOKED.
we also really want to learn how to surf! so hopefully we can struggle on that one together. however it has been really chilly in LA this week, so lets hope it warms up!
anyways, i am back in a routine which is nice. i don't mind waking up early as long as i go to bed at a decent hours-- and then i have the weekends off to have FUN! probs going out tom so ill take pics wherever we end up.
well thats me lately. LOVING LIFE. california dreaming. & sincerely happy alone and content in my own skin.--- live your life, don't just exist.
below, hannah already started a to do list for her next visit! i hope she can come again soon.
my new sugar factory sucker! HOW LEGIT>>> i am so taking this to my next rave.
hannah the lollipop head. suuuup girl.