the scars of your love

i don't write as much personal stuff on my blog anymore because of many different reasons. probably mostly out of fear of what people will think of me, label me as, or misjudge me in a way that i may not like. but at the end of the day, i rather take the risk to expose my wounds in hopes that another broken soul may stumble across this and find some guidance.. so i am ripping off the band aid as fast as possible in hopes i don't still need it.

i get that people may or may not understand the lifestyle i have chosen, but this is not my problem. in a world of judgmental people, i have accepted the fact that as long as i keep pushing the boundaries, i will continue to have those who want to see me fail. the funny thing about that is i will continue to fail so keep on watching because i just don't give a fuck. at any rate, i am and will always be a risk taker. & that my friend, is the difference between me and those who misread me as they live their comfortable, "safe", mediocre lives. i do not judge these people or wish harm upon them, but i know in my heart that i can't take any bad vibes too personally, because unless you know me, i mean really know me, you honestly have no idea what i have been through, where i am headed, and how - even though i am scared shitless half the time- i continue to take the leap. i fail, i learn, i grow, i get stronger, and i continue to pursue the world as i want it to be for myself.

there is a difference between being selfish and putting yourself first. i have put myself last for so long, even in bouts of being self absorbed. mind you, i have put myself through hell and back while getting no where. yet, i have finally gotten to a point in my life where i have entirely devoted myself to put me first. to take care of myself. somedays i find myself so utterly depleted from giving all of myself to others, while getting nothing in return, if not worse, getting myself hurt or punished along the way.
& after years of this i'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired. i try to take every struggle as an opportunity. if by only switching your perspective in the slightest, you can soon realize that you are not being knocked down over & over again. you are, in retrospect, pushing through and once again surviving when all odds are against you.

i can honestly sit here and say at this very moment, that i have battled, fought, survived, and recovered from an eating disorder that has pretty much threatened my life and sanity every single day for the last 6 years. i've always wanted to help other and wished for the day that i could put my story out there to save other girls JUST LIKE ME who feel alone, who self destruct, who hate themselves, so on so forth. but the truth is... i never believed i would recover. i could never see that piece of the puzzle actually being put back together. & by the grace of God, by some miracle, and by living out my passion and love for acting and creativity, i found my cure.

i found my cure, so now i know personally that is it possible to move on. i mean this with everything in my heart. this does not go just for eating disorders, it goes for all addictions, depression, OCD, what have you. most mental illnesses have a common bond (and often come in 2 for 1 packages) ...& how people find ways to cope is what may lead them into a life threatening and destructive lifestyle.

& this is me putting myself out there, cutting to the core and exposing my battle scars to those who feel just like i felt. for those who do not believe in a better tomorrow. for those who feel like a lost cause. because as much as your life has or does hurt like hell. things will get better. things. always. get. better. with a bit of faith you can truly conquer the fucking world.

this is one of the many reasons why i do not believe in judging, doubting, or hating other people, because unless you know what it is that person is going through, unless you know HOW IT FEELS, you have no place to pretend like you understand. because as a matter of fact, you just don't get it and you never will.

#stopthehate #loveyourself #pursuelove

don't waste your youth growing up.

because somedays it's okay to cry. somedays you need to not be fine, to not try to be fine, and to not try to hide the beautiful mess that you are. as long as you never lose it completely, you will soon find strength to be happy again. xo.

crimes of the heart

this is for my sweetest and greatest friend of all time. 

"You're going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it's always their actions you should judge them by. It's actions, not words, that matter."

"I finally understood what true love meant...love meant that you care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be."

"We fell in love, despite our differences, and once we did, something rare and beautiful was created. For me, love like that has only happened once, and that's why every minute we spent together has been seared in my memory. I'll never forget a single moment of it."

"Sometimes you have to be a part from people you love, but that doesn't make you love them any less. Sometimes you love them more."

"It happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you want, and then you realize that people you've known forever don't see things the way you do. So you keep the wonderful memories, but find yourself moving on."

you'd be astonished what you can survive

where the fuck is my instruction manual on how to fix everything that is falling apart. i don't know it i should laugh or cry.

 i'm trying so hard to keep some sort of faith, but i don't have any answers. i don't just wish for a better tomorrow, i desperately need it.

japan, you're in my thoughts & prayers.

tied together with a smile.

you know there's something beautiful in the feeling of defeat... sometimes its okay to let your guard down and have that moment of breathlessness. struggle. pain. because it's part of life, and it's part of the journey. 

 

& during these moments, you become stronger. you may not feel like it for a while or see the light at the end of the tunnel, but sometimes when you get pushed to that point you come out as a fighter.

it may hurt like hell, but you realize what it is you have been wanting for so long, and despite the fears and the failed attempts, you never EVER give up. you have the choice to walk away. but you don't. you keep fighting.

you come back better and one day your passion will succeed the others. one day you will have your dreams. i believe we can control much of our future, it's not about luck, heart means everything.

... well that's how i see things recently. life is unpredictable. it's too dangerous to go according to plan, because that's not plausible. life will keep throwing you in all sorts of direction, and you can't avoid it. no one is bulletproof, or perfect, or completely put together. we are all human, so don't let others fool you when they act is if they don't care. everyone cares about something or someone to a certain degree.

everyone has their own way of putting up walls. and what i've learned is just how to cope with my own. i'm not looking for anyone to fix me or figure me out. i am learning how to be strong and honest with whats real. don't ever let anyone tell you how you should feel. don't fall into that trap, just remember to always trust yourself.

let it be.

sometimes you just have terrible days for no reason. you wake up late, you spill your coffee, you hit every single red light all day, you forgot about this or that, you're still waiting for THAT text or phone call, you miss your home, you hate everything & everyone around you for no apparent reason, you will yell at whoever nearly crosses paths with you, then you realize shit it's been a bad day. we all have them. and well that is when i need quotes the most. i have to remind myself to be proud of what i HAVE accomplished and as for the rest, let it be. there is only so much a girl can handle. sometimes it's okay to slow down and fucking breathe.

 "To live a creative life we must lose our fear of being wrong." - Joseph Chilton Pearce

 "The world we have created is a product of our thinking; it cannot be changed without changing our thinking." - Einstein

 "Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher."

 "Restlessness and discontent are the first necessities of progress." - Thomas Edison

"Excellence is the unlimited ability to improve the quality of what you have to offer." - Rick Pitino

somedays

somedays are hard for no reason. somedays you wake up and you feel the whole world crashing in on you. the more things change, the more you have to keep up with your life. and somedays the past creeps in and reminds you of all your failures.
and you can choose to listen to it, or you can choose to overcome it. i think it's okay to struggle. i think it's okay to ask for help.
because not all people are bad and some people want to help you. some people see the potential you have more than you can at the moment.
sometimes you have to be strong, even when you feel weak.

photo source: tumblr.com

somedays i just have to remind myself that i'm not alone and that not everyone is going to hurt me. i don't know how, but somehow i need to learn how to trust people again. and more importantly, i need to remember how to open up.
“The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain.”—Jennifer Aniston

“Among other things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behaviour... many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You'll learn from them.. Just as some day... someone will learn something from you... And it isn't education. It's history. It's poetry.”

don't let fear get in the way of who you are meant to be.