straight from my journal.

... but today, i felt happy. and that feeling doesn't happen often. so it's worth recording because it's a beautiful feeling.

 i have a beautiful home. today i am grateful. today i am hopeful.

 & i try my best to remember this...

Somedays are bad. I have to get up when I don't want to...

i'll lead with the bad news.

quote of the day

everything i could never tell you

truth be told

source: http://etiquetteforalady.tumblr.com/

the scars of your love

i don't write as much personal stuff on my blog anymore because of many different reasons. probably mostly out of fear of what people will think of me, label me as, or misjudge me in a way that i may not like. but at the end of the day, i rather take the risk to expose my wounds in hopes that another broken soul may stumble across this and find some guidance.. so i am ripping off the band aid as fast as possible in hopes i don't still need it.

i get that people may or may not understand the lifestyle i have chosen, but this is not my problem. in a world of judgmental people, i have accepted the fact that as long as i keep pushing the boundaries, i will continue to have those who want to see me fail. the funny thing about that is i will continue to fail so keep on watching because i just don't give a fuck. at any rate, i am and will always be a risk taker. & that my friend, is the difference between me and those who misread me as they live their comfortable, "safe", mediocre lives. i do not judge these people or wish harm upon them, but i know in my heart that i can't take any bad vibes too personally, because unless you know me, i mean really know me, you honestly have no idea what i have been through, where i am headed, and how - even though i am scared shitless half the time- i continue to take the leap. i fail, i learn, i grow, i get stronger, and i continue to pursue the world as i want it to be for myself.

there is a difference between being selfish and putting yourself first. i have put myself last for so long, even in bouts of being self absorbed. mind you, i have put myself through hell and back while getting no where. yet, i have finally gotten to a point in my life where i have entirely devoted myself to put me first. to take care of myself. somedays i find myself so utterly depleted from giving all of myself to others, while getting nothing in return, if not worse, getting myself hurt or punished along the way.
& after years of this i'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired. i try to take every struggle as an opportunity. if by only switching your perspective in the slightest, you can soon realize that you are not being knocked down over & over again. you are, in retrospect, pushing through and once again surviving when all odds are against you.

i can honestly sit here and say at this very moment, that i have battled, fought, survived, and recovered from an eating disorder that has pretty much threatened my life and sanity every single day for the last 6 years. i've always wanted to help other and wished for the day that i could put my story out there to save other girls JUST LIKE ME who feel alone, who self destruct, who hate themselves, so on so forth. but the truth is... i never believed i would recover. i could never see that piece of the puzzle actually being put back together. & by the grace of God, by some miracle, and by living out my passion and love for acting and creativity, i found my cure.

i found my cure, so now i know personally that is it possible to move on. i mean this with everything in my heart. this does not go just for eating disorders, it goes for all addictions, depression, OCD, what have you. most mental illnesses have a common bond (and often come in 2 for 1 packages) ...& how people find ways to cope is what may lead them into a life threatening and destructive lifestyle.

& this is me putting myself out there, cutting to the core and exposing my battle scars to those who feel just like i felt. for those who do not believe in a better tomorrow. for those who feel like a lost cause. because as much as your life has or does hurt like hell. things will get better. things. always. get. better. with a bit of faith you can truly conquer the fucking world.

this is one of the many reasons why i do not believe in judging, doubting, or hating other people, because unless you know what it is that person is going through, unless you know HOW IT FEELS, you have no place to pretend like you understand. because as a matter of fact, you just don't get it and you never will.

#stopthehate #loveyourself #pursuelove

let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday

sometimes it's true, when it rains it fucking pours. my past semester has been an overwhelming experience with new material, life lessons, and never ending illnesses. last week was so stressful that it was like fighting a battle. i felt so defeated, but i made it through.

 my schedule is less strenuous until winter break, so i feel really encouraged. going off little sleep, i was in an extremely good mood today. it sucks because my potential lead role got ruined because of my tardies... oops, those caught up on me. i still have a decent role for the exam play, but it's kind of my time to redeem myself and get my head on straight.

 i think at some point i became so overwhelmed, i just couldn't deal. but i feel as if i can breathe again, i feel like i am myself again! i see this all from a positive point of view, because my hours are shorter and earlier, which gives me more free time. free time to play the guitar again and take voice lessons :)

 so in retrospect, the disappointment led to exactly what i needed. more time to get my creative energies flowing on my own. it was like all the work became too stressful that it wasn't fun anymore, and i'm ready to make it fun again. thats what it's all about.

so yeah. i lost hope in myself for a minute, and sometimes you just got to find a way to have faith. life is to hard not to have something to believe in. there's really nothing worse than hitting rock bottom alone.

believe in yourself. believe in your talents. because no matter how many other people do, the only person who can make it happen is yourself. 

oh and lastly, i really like diddy's new song. which will soon be ruined by being overplayed on the radio, so enjoy while it lasts...

i've learned...

i've learned that hangovers really don't care how much work you have to do that day.i've learned that it's not enough to just show up, it's about genuinely and truthfully being present. 100% in your body and your mind.

i've learned that it's not living in a big city that is scary or whatever people tell you, it's going after something alone. day in and day out.

i've learned that you only have yourself, at some point you have to be strong enough to take care of yourself, i mean really take good care of yourself.

i've learned that having a passion isn't a maybe thing, it's the only thing.

i've learned that confidence comes from good health first and foremost.

i've learned that music never fails. not once has it failed me.

i've learned that it's easier to hurt inside than to let it out. being too strong for too long is not okay, no ones asking you to do that.

i've learned that making people laugh is more fulfilling to me than having something to laugh at.

i've learned that being independent doesn't have to be lonely.

i've learned that wearing a cute outfit always makes your day run a little better.