jean shorts, always.

i don't care what time of year it is & i guess it doesn't matter since i live in California where winter means 65 degrees. but regardless of where you live. i believe in jean shorts. always. (wear them with black tights for colder weather & layer with knee high socks)

stare blankly

i've considered many of times to just fucking start all over and begin a new blog. but i have a hard time betraying what was me, and the idea of not bringing you who i am.

we are drunk on the idea that love can and will save us. but what about when it doesn't? where do you turn? how do you move forward? how do you become okay with your brokenness? i think that is what we are all desperately searching for. if only i get this---- and then that---- but the thing is you cannot runaway from who you are, it will always catch up with you.

I think at some point, your heart stops accepting pain. And then you become numb.

Which is by far worse, because feeling nothing at all is worse than a million heart breaks. When all you want to do is cry & you literally can’t for the life of you… that is the most terrifying place to be in.

But what we can turn to, what we MUST turn to is HOPE. Hope will get you through the most challenging times. And sometimes you think the worst ever that could happen to you, did. So you’re in the clear. And then you wake up to a real life nightmare. And you realize, things can always be worse.

YET. They ALWAYS get better.

I have been at odds with struggles for as long as I can remember, to a point I was miserably fine with self-pity. It was my way through. Isolate. Hide. Runaway.

And what feels like the longest process/recovery ever back to the slightest bit of normalcy…

(I realized)

that it is okay to hurt.

It is okay to feel pain.

The life of the party may be dying inside.

The person you judge most harshly will always be yourself.

You must face troubles with grace.

‘great comforters are not born, they are made’

it is okay to not be okay.

it is okay to not know what is next.

It is okay to fear your dreams. 

It is okay to love.

Everything, somehow will be OKAY. 

xx0.

Erin Wasson

 she's girly. hip. tatted. gorgeous. different. i love her. that is all.

the scars of your love

i don't write as much personal stuff on my blog anymore because of many different reasons. probably mostly out of fear of what people will think of me, label me as, or misjudge me in a way that i may not like. but at the end of the day, i rather take the risk to expose my wounds in hopes that another broken soul may stumble across this and find some guidance.. so i am ripping off the band aid as fast as possible in hopes i don't still need it.

i get that people may or may not understand the lifestyle i have chosen, but this is not my problem. in a world of judgmental people, i have accepted the fact that as long as i keep pushing the boundaries, i will continue to have those who want to see me fail. the funny thing about that is i will continue to fail so keep on watching because i just don't give a fuck. at any rate, i am and will always be a risk taker. & that my friend, is the difference between me and those who misread me as they live their comfortable, "safe", mediocre lives. i do not judge these people or wish harm upon them, but i know in my heart that i can't take any bad vibes too personally, because unless you know me, i mean really know me, you honestly have no idea what i have been through, where i am headed, and how - even though i am scared shitless half the time- i continue to take the leap. i fail, i learn, i grow, i get stronger, and i continue to pursue the world as i want it to be for myself.

there is a difference between being selfish and putting yourself first. i have put myself last for so long, even in bouts of being self absorbed. mind you, i have put myself through hell and back while getting no where. yet, i have finally gotten to a point in my life where i have entirely devoted myself to put me first. to take care of myself. somedays i find myself so utterly depleted from giving all of myself to others, while getting nothing in return, if not worse, getting myself hurt or punished along the way.
& after years of this i'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired. i try to take every struggle as an opportunity. if by only switching your perspective in the slightest, you can soon realize that you are not being knocked down over & over again. you are, in retrospect, pushing through and once again surviving when all odds are against you.

i can honestly sit here and say at this very moment, that i have battled, fought, survived, and recovered from an eating disorder that has pretty much threatened my life and sanity every single day for the last 6 years. i've always wanted to help other and wished for the day that i could put my story out there to save other girls JUST LIKE ME who feel alone, who self destruct, who hate themselves, so on so forth. but the truth is... i never believed i would recover. i could never see that piece of the puzzle actually being put back together. & by the grace of God, by some miracle, and by living out my passion and love for acting and creativity, i found my cure.

i found my cure, so now i know personally that is it possible to move on. i mean this with everything in my heart. this does not go just for eating disorders, it goes for all addictions, depression, OCD, what have you. most mental illnesses have a common bond (and often come in 2 for 1 packages) ...& how people find ways to cope is what may lead them into a life threatening and destructive lifestyle.

& this is me putting myself out there, cutting to the core and exposing my battle scars to those who feel just like i felt. for those who do not believe in a better tomorrow. for those who feel like a lost cause. because as much as your life has or does hurt like hell. things will get better. things. always. get. better. with a bit of faith you can truly conquer the fucking world.

this is one of the many reasons why i do not believe in judging, doubting, or hating other people, because unless you know what it is that person is going through, unless you know HOW IT FEELS, you have no place to pretend like you understand. because as a matter of fact, you just don't get it and you never will.

#stopthehate #loveyourself #pursuelove

you're like sunshine.

bring on the sunshine. i have one week left in (still cold/wintery) nashville, then back to the golden state. happy spring loves. xo. 

burned in the back of my mind.

 do you know what sucks? when you desperately try so hard to erase someone & you just can't do it.

 no matter what you do, or how happy you are, there are those certain people that burn in your mind. and  you can't help but wonder why?

 why are they still racing through my mind? there must be a reason for it...

 i sure as hell haven't figured out what to do when that happens. because, trust, it happens to me a lot.

 but all i know... is right now, in this moment, all i can do is live my life for me. 

IT'S SO FLUFFY IM GONNA DIE!!!!!

i watch Despicable Me last night, solely for this darling cartoon child i wish i could call my own.

2011.

Well the holidays went by in a blink of an eye. I can't believe it's almost a week into the new year. 2011. 

 it's always good to reflect back on your life at the end of the year, as long as you don't get stuck in the past. so, just keep on going. recharge.every.single.day.

 i have high hopes for this year, because i've got a lot of drive and determination i did not have last year. i have a lot to say and i will find a way to speak up.

 so i've been writing a lot. poems/songs/random. and i will eventually find a way to express my unspoken diary. because this blog right here, right now is my open diary. a place i can share some of my thoughts, but nothing too personal.

 whoever you are, wherever you are, just know, you are beautiful. you are able. you are the future. live your life-change lives. be kind. always. happy new year, lets try to make this crazy world a bit better one day at a time. xo.

everything is beautiful & nothing hurt

so i'm sitting on my balcony with my laptop and my chai tea & it suddenly hits me--- so much about my life is different from where i stood a year ago. literally in every aspect, location. school. people. friends. work load. streets. highways. traffic. teachers. frustrations. nightlife. favorite songs. struggles. achievements. downfalls. strides. hair color... city lights. lifestyle. crushes. heartbreak. lust. dreams. every.single.thing. yet, i am still very much the same.

  i will have my same best friends my whole life, and my family will always be there for me and my personality is something i don't let anyone or anything take away from me. i have a love for life that i can't explain, but i struggle from day to day to live up to it. i think we generally do not give ourselves enough credit for the things we have done. i know i don't... i'm usually over thinking situations or analyzing every detail and kicking myself for what i "should have" or "could have" done. but at the end of the day, despite whatever goals or standards you have not yet reached, you (i) must remember to give myself some slack.

people change, change is the only consistent thing in life. and it is not always easy. but i think back to christmas eve last year, sitting at a nice restaurant and telling my dad my "new years resolutions" granted, new year's resolutions are very cliche and usually never happen. i remember being really driven and listing off all these goals and i was not going to let anyone stand in my way to get them done. so at any rate, whoever you are that is reading this by accident or by chance or because you genuinely like to read my blog; just remember to be proud of yourself and the things you have done. stop beating yourself up over the other stuff. because i certainly get it, i have been so hard on myself recently about what i have done WRONG so far.

but fuck it, i am at a school that literally fell into my hands by chance. i found the place i didn't know i was looking for. i have learned so much, improved so much, and challenged myself with things i never knew i was capable of doing. so yeah, i just get that things do happen for a reason. nobody is perfect, but no one will ever get to where they want to go without taking the initiative.

your dreams are closer than you could ever imagine and when life gets too hard to handle, if the pressure surpasses the passion, if you aren't happy with yourself... then i advise you to take a step back and look around at everything about you that is great.

and lastly to sum up another one of my spur of the moment rants... never take a day for granted, never think of a day as unimportant because those are the days where you may discover something extraordinary.

dream without fear

i'm lying in bed, the weekend officially over and a new week about to begin. we all know what we gotta do to get your work done. so start your week off with a little inspiration and follow your dreams without fear.