mend the pain

most days, i have a hard time believing that i am headed the right way...

& i think that is normal for most of us...
because many times we are so lost and in need to be found.
& this is weird for me, but i think this song is so sincere...

I think at some point, your heart stops accepting pain. And then you become numb.

Which is by far worse, because feeling nothing at all is worse than a million heart breaks. When all you want to do is cry & you literally can’t for the life of you… that is the most terrifying place to be in.

But what we can turn to, what we MUST turn to is HOPE. Hope will get you through the most challenging times. And sometimes you think the worst ever that could happen to you, did. So you’re in the clear. And then you wake up to a real life nightmare. And you realize, things can always be worse.

YET. They ALWAYS get better.

I have been at odds with struggles for as long as I can remember, to a point I was miserably fine with self-pity. It was my way through. Isolate. Hide. Runaway.

And what feels like the longest process/recovery ever back to the slightest bit of normalcy…

(I realized)

that it is okay to hurt.

It is okay to feel pain.

The life of the party may be dying inside.

The person you judge most harshly will always be yourself.

You must face troubles with grace.

‘great comforters are not born, they are made’

it is okay to not be okay.

it is okay to not know what is next.

It is okay to fear your dreams. 

It is okay to love.

Everything, somehow will be OKAY. 

xx0.

(real life) side effects

honestly, when i even begin to think about writing a personal post, i have no idea where the fuck to begin... i haven't really been one to hold back about my struggles, loss, pain, desires, wants, dreams, so on... yet it was as if i got to the point i was so "okay" with certain things, like talking about my eating disorder. honestly, i'll be like yeah that happened, what of it? or yeah, i've been through that you can do it too...

but then this medical fuck up happened to me, which is the source that destroyed the voice i had once found on my blog ---

well, it takes every bit of me to even begin that story. because it still hurts.

take me to a music festival

Fun.: Carry On [OFFICIAL VIDEO]

Well I woke up to the sound of silence 
The cars were cutting like knives in a fist fight 
And I found you with a bottle of wine 
Your head in the curtains 
And heart like the fourth of July 

You swore and said 
We are not 
We are not shining stars 
This I know 
I never said we are 

Though I've never been through hell like that 
I've closed enough windows 
To know you can never look back 

If you're lost and alone 
Or you're sinking like a stone 
Carry on 
May your past be the sound 
Of your feet upon the ground 
Carry on 

Carry on, carry on 

So I met up with some friends 
At the edge of the night 
At a bar off 75 
And we talked and talked 
About how our parents will die 
All our neighbours and wives 

But I like to think 
I can cheat it all 
To make up for the times I've been cheated on 
And it's nice to know 
When I was left for dead 
I was found and now I don't roam these streets 
I am not the ghost you want of me 

If you're lost and alone 
Or you're sinking like a stone 
Carry on 
May your past be the sound 
Of your feet upon the ground 
Carry on 

Woah 
My head is on fire 
But my legs are fine 
Cause after all they are mine 
Lay your clothes down on the floor 
Close the door 
Hold the phone 
Show me how 
No one's ever gonna stop us now 

Cause we are 
We are shining stars 
We are invincible 
We are who we are 
On our darkest day 
When we're miles away 
So we'll come 
We will find our way home 

If you're lost and alone 
Or you're sinking like a stone 
Carry on 
May your past be the sound 
Of your feet upon the ground 
Carry on 

my best friend in the entire world --- is my sister. no matter how much we fight and/or steal each others clothes (give me my leather jacket back that was yours once but is now MINEE!!!)

there is no special holiday, or what not. 

 i just think that I am lucky to have her as a friend... not everyone can say that about family. & i can & i feel so blessed.

 (even when she's not there, she can make me smile)

 if you are reading this, just know i love you to the moon & back. You are my best friend, my sister, & I owe so much to you. & honestly the moments when we hate each other are actually hilarious because i'll end up writing a script about it or we need our own reality show. anyways, i love you, you fuck.

it'll never not be you

there are so many words left unspoken--- & they began with your promises broken.

everything i could never tell you