My Blog List

Aug 21, 2011

i love you more than all the stars

i have opened up to whoever reads my random personal posts about my struggle with eating disorders. and my biggest wish is to be that slightest bit of strength to anyone who may feel as if recovery is unattainable. because it is possible. i am a recovered victim of both anorexia and bulimia/ EDNOS.
i think what makes it nearly impossible to recover from any mental illness, especially eating disorders is the fact that is is just too damn hard to talk about. both for the one suffering and the family and friends sitting on the sidelines feeling helpless as they watch a loved one's life spiral out of control. my hope for the future is that the public as a whole will enhance the awareness of how dangerous and scary these cases are. i hope for girls to seek help without shame and not be judged once they do so... but at any rate, my main point of focus right here, right now. is the mere thought that only the strong ones are dealt a tough pair of cards.

there is something to be said about pain. all realms of pain... suffering, heartbreak, loneliness, trauma, rejection, loss, struggle defeat, hopelessness, insomnia, fear, so on and so forth.
The one's who have experienced the most pain end up with a remarkable understanding of life and hunger to live each day to it's highest potential. the pain i have felt keeps me fighting for peace. clarity. a deep compassion for not only my life, but everyone's around me. and a guide to reveal that once again, love. always. wins.

my source of strength has always come from my family. i don't think it's an accident that i have such a solid and loving family. and there is no doubt in my mind why my mother is the most selfless, most compassionate, and impossibly worrisome person i know. it's almost like my whole life was set up to have my mother there to be my gaurdian angel. my backbone. she is the core of my strength. and it breaks my heart to have hurt her over and over again through the years, because we are a team, when i am weak, she is strong. when i am hurt, she is heartbroken. but when i am strong, she is at ease. when i am happy she is grateful. and when i shine, she is extremely proud. when i make her proud, it mends pieces of my broken spirit.
my maud (short for madre... idk a weird nickname that has forevermore replaced mom) has been through a lot with me on this hell of a journey. she is the one who confronted me on my 18th birthday about my eating disorder and the one who has had to step up over and over again as "the bad guy" to make me face my issues when i wanted to run away from them. but with recovery comes understanding, and with understanding comes better communication.
recently, i have been at odds with depression. eating disorders and depression very often go hand in hand... yet i always thought that if i beat my e.d. that the depression would tinker off. which lets be honest i did not exactly put a lot of thought into that because i never in my right mind thought i would win this battle with the eating disorder. but i did. thats a topic i want to further on later, because a lot of people ask me what was the final pull that got me through.... it's a hell of a lot more complicated than that.
but anyways back to my point: i have recovered from the e.d. but the depression is not at the slightest bit gone. which sucks. but you know, if i have made it this far, i can certainly fight just. a. little. bit. longer. at the first signs of depression worsening i talked to my doctor and she changed up the meds. i was put on prestiq which was THE ABSOLUTE WORST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME. again, i will have to do a whole separate post about anti-depressants/meds used for all type of mental illness... long story short, i was put on hands down the worst drug i have ever touched and sent back to LA where i live alone as an acting student. this medication completely fucked over my life- as i had an insane allergic reaction to the drug (hives, itching, just an incredible uncomfortable daily feeling), i experienced every possible side effect of the drug, and possibly part of the 1-4% who experience a hypomania reaction to the drug. talk about scary shit.
i was on prestiq for about 6 months and once again my mom 2,400 miles away from me had a bad feeling about this drug. and thanks to her i was taken off it. it seems weird to look back, but i truly didn't know the hell i was going through. i just took my meds and thought well this is suppose to be making me better. anyways i really will have to go further into that because it was down right insanity and i would not wish this upon my worst enemy.
once i was off the prestiq and back on a more mild anti-depressant. i wound up in a worse place then i started, my depression has been worse than ever, and i am possibly experiencing a sort of post-traumatic stress from the horror story i went through. point being, my mom has proved once again that i am never in this alone. she will never, ever give up on me. and she wishes that one day i seek true happiness and get back to the great samantha she knows is still there deep down. all it took was a phone call and she was on her way to LAX to spend time with me. to merely be there for support. i dropped her off at the airport today and sent her back off to Nashville. but i am very thankful that she was able to come out here and just be here for me. it ended up being great timing as she was able to see my first showcase and help me prep for my audition.
she will never fully understand the emotional roller coaster my life has taken me on. but she tries harder everyday and as the years, months, or simply days go by i slowly find ways to let her in a bit more. i want to reinforce how supportive my entire family is- my perfect father, my best friend and sister Ali and oh yeah that other guy in the family and brother Lucas... i keeed i keed, Luke you are the greatest older brother a girl could ask for and we share a love for music that is nearly identical it's kind of crazy. But my darling mother, my friend, and my guardian angel- you have been the source of all of my achievements. You have saved my life more than once and my wish for you is that one day i won't be the center of all your stress :/
so my hope for everyone out there struggling with anything from depression to eating disorders, to bipolar and everything in between. is that you find that one person who is always there to bring you back to life. that you have that support system in your life to keep you going. because no one can survive these mental illnesses alone, and you should never feel as if you have to do it on your own. my biggest bit of advice for now is to always have a support system. life is hard enough as it is, and if you are one of those of feel as if your life is of no value, if you feel defeated and broken- think again. because everyone's life has great value. and everyone deserves to be loved. never stop fighting, never give up.


source & great place for all those mary kate adicts: olsensanonymous

Aug 16, 2011

alexa chung

I can't breathe without you, but i have to.

i had my first showcase last weekend at Kulack's Woodshed in the Valley Village. (pretty much North Hollywood area)
this is me in Joy Graysen's studio warming up. she's my vocal coach and she is amazing. i met her daughter, Sky, at the American Academy of Dramatic Arts- summer session. Which was also my first encounter with singing for a class. It was a huge fear of mine , I would literally cry because i was so uncomfortable.. like wtf this is an acting school right?
anyways, the more i was forced to face my fear, i discovered that i wasn't a horrible singer if i could just open myself up and not be afraid to be heard. Sky caught my attention because she had/has such a gorgeous voice. She told me her mom was a vocal coach and I asked for her number & the rest is history. I've been going to her for about a year now, since I was living in Toluca Lake.
It is quite the time commitment with the traffic there and back now that I live in West Hollywood, but it is worth it beyond words. When I first started I was very mechanical, I didn't know how to use my voice. But it is starting to become more organic and it is a lot like acting. Once I surrender myself to the song, once I feel every word I am singing, the sound comes out beautifully without getting in my head.
At any rate, I have been collaborating the guitar and my voice lessons. (I've been teaching myself how to play guitar since January). So this past weekend was the first time I sang and played for a live audience- and it was also filmed and streaming live as I was performing... NO PRESSURE.
I was nervous, but tried to put up my fourth wall as I would do in acting. My dad and brother watched live online and my mom was there in person. It was an out of body experience and after I was done I started tearing up (of course) always telling myself negative thoughts.
but as I was on my way home I was overwhelmed with positive feedback. My brother (who is hard to impress) was seriously shocked. He said he wasn't expecting me to be good, but thought I was amazing. All i know, is that i fall in love with singing more and more every day. It is new to me, but I am ready for more & the more I perform the more as ease i will become.
I sang "Breathe" by Taylor Swift and "If I Die Young" by the Band Perry. As Taylor Swift once said, "every guitar player remember the first song that they wanted to learn on guitar" and for her it was Cowboy Take me Away by the dixie chicks. As for me, mine was one of her songs, "breathe" The song has a lot of emotional value to me, as it was the song that got me through heartbreak, the song that got my guitar strumming going when i was clueless and the song that taught me how to let go of the fear of hearing my own voice and letting myself be okay with sounding good.
"If I Die Young" is another song I've learned on the guitar, and it is a really sad song that can bring me to tears when I picture myself singing it to my family. My family is my life. they have saved me from all things bad, and to know that not only that they were watching live- but that they were proud of me... well, that's everything to me. that's why i do it.

Aug 15, 2011

when in doubt, keep it simple

those were yesterday's feelings

"When you can't remember why you're hurt, that's when you're healed." -Jane Fonda
"If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy."- Dale Carnegie
"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." -E. M. Forster
as always, click on image for source. xo.