My Blog List

Aug 21, 2011

i love you more than all the stars

i have opened up to whoever reads my random personal posts about my struggle with eating disorders. and my biggest wish is to be that slightest bit of strength to anyone who may feel as if recovery is unattainable. because it is possible. i am a recovered victim of both anorexia and bulimia/ EDNOS.
i think what makes it nearly impossible to recover from any mental illness, especially eating disorders is the fact that is is just too damn hard to talk about. both for the one suffering and the family and friends sitting on the sidelines feeling helpless as they watch a loved one's life spiral out of control. my hope for the future is that the public as a whole will enhance the awareness of how dangerous and scary these cases are. i hope for girls to seek help without shame and not be judged once they do so... but at any rate, my main point of focus right here, right now. is the mere thought that only the strong ones are dealt a tough pair of cards.

there is something to be said about pain. all realms of pain... suffering, heartbreak, loneliness, trauma, rejection, loss, struggle defeat, hopelessness, insomnia, fear, so on and so forth.
The one's who have experienced the most pain end up with a remarkable understanding of life and hunger to live each day to it's highest potential. the pain i have felt keeps me fighting for peace. clarity. a deep compassion for not only my life, but everyone's around me. and a guide to reveal that once again, love. always. wins.

my source of strength has always come from my family. i don't think it's an accident that i have such a solid and loving family. and there is no doubt in my mind why my mother is the most selfless, most compassionate, and impossibly worrisome person i know. it's almost like my whole life was set up to have my mother there to be my gaurdian angel. my backbone. she is the core of my strength. and it breaks my heart to have hurt her over and over again through the years, because we are a team, when i am weak, she is strong. when i am hurt, she is heartbroken. but when i am strong, she is at ease. when i am happy she is grateful. and when i shine, she is extremely proud. when i make her proud, it mends pieces of my broken spirit.
my maud (short for madre... idk a weird nickname that has forevermore replaced mom) has been through a lot with me on this hell of a journey. she is the one who confronted me on my 18th birthday about my eating disorder and the one who has had to step up over and over again as "the bad guy" to make me face my issues when i wanted to run away from them. but with recovery comes understanding, and with understanding comes better communication.
recently, i have been at odds with depression. eating disorders and depression very often go hand in hand... yet i always thought that if i beat my e.d. that the depression would tinker off. which lets be honest i did not exactly put a lot of thought into that because i never in my right mind thought i would win this battle with the eating disorder. but i did. thats a topic i want to further on later, because a lot of people ask me what was the final pull that got me through.... it's a hell of a lot more complicated than that.
but anyways back to my point: i have recovered from the e.d. but the depression is not at the slightest bit gone. which sucks. but you know, if i have made it this far, i can certainly fight just. a. little. bit. longer. at the first signs of depression worsening i talked to my doctor and she changed up the meds. i was put on prestiq which was THE ABSOLUTE WORST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME. again, i will have to do a whole separate post about anti-depressants/meds used for all type of mental illness... long story short, i was put on hands down the worst drug i have ever touched and sent back to LA where i live alone as an acting student. this medication completely fucked over my life- as i had an insane allergic reaction to the drug (hives, itching, just an incredible uncomfortable daily feeling), i experienced every possible side effect of the drug, and possibly part of the 1-4% who experience a hypomania reaction to the drug. talk about scary shit.
i was on prestiq for about 6 months and once again my mom 2,400 miles away from me had a bad feeling about this drug. and thanks to her i was taken off it. it seems weird to look back, but i truly didn't know the hell i was going through. i just took my meds and thought well this is suppose to be making me better. anyways i really will have to go further into that because it was down right insanity and i would not wish this upon my worst enemy.
once i was off the prestiq and back on a more mild anti-depressant. i wound up in a worse place then i started, my depression has been worse than ever, and i am possibly experiencing a sort of post-traumatic stress from the horror story i went through. point being, my mom has proved once again that i am never in this alone. she will never, ever give up on me. and she wishes that one day i seek true happiness and get back to the great samantha she knows is still there deep down. all it took was a phone call and she was on her way to LAX to spend time with me. to merely be there for support. i dropped her off at the airport today and sent her back off to Nashville. but i am very thankful that she was able to come out here and just be here for me. it ended up being great timing as she was able to see my first showcase and help me prep for my audition.
she will never fully understand the emotional roller coaster my life has taken me on. but she tries harder everyday and as the years, months, or simply days go by i slowly find ways to let her in a bit more. i want to reinforce how supportive my entire family is- my perfect father, my best friend and sister Ali and oh yeah that other guy in the family and brother Lucas... i keeed i keed, Luke you are the greatest older brother a girl could ask for and we share a love for music that is nearly identical it's kind of crazy. But my darling mother, my friend, and my guardian angel- you have been the source of all of my achievements. You have saved my life more than once and my wish for you is that one day i won't be the center of all your stress :/
so my hope for everyone out there struggling with anything from depression to eating disorders, to bipolar and everything in between. is that you find that one person who is always there to bring you back to life. that you have that support system in your life to keep you going. because no one can survive these mental illnesses alone, and you should never feel as if you have to do it on your own. my biggest bit of advice for now is to always have a support system. life is hard enough as it is, and if you are one of those of feel as if your life is of no value, if you feel defeated and broken- think again. because everyone's life has great value. and everyone deserves to be loved. never stop fighting, never give up.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Samantha,
    I know I have contacted you a few times about miscellaneous things, but I just wanted to comment on this post because it really surprised me! While we really don't know each other at all, it was refreshing to read this post because I have also struggled from both anorexia and exercise bulimia and I continue to have issues with depression. My eating disorder started my freshman year in high school when I was sexually harassed by a guy I went to school with. The anorexia and exercise bulimia was my way of controlling the pain and dealing with the pain and fear that was surrounding me everyday. I still occasionally have those eating disorder thoughts that seep into my head, but I have finally reached a point where I can put those thoughts into perspective and see how far I have come in recovery. Depression still plagues me everyday and I have been on tons of different medicines...Lexapro, zoloft, Cymbalta, Welbutrin...the list goes on. While I do wish I could handle my depression on my own and not have to take meds, I realize that taking this medicine is not a weakness if it is helping me be happy. It is also unbelievably comforting to see someone like you (positive, motivated, and confident) deal with depression. I am realizing that we are all human and these small flaws are what makes us who we are. I hope this comment is not too much info, especially since we haven't even met each other, but I just wanted you to know how much you motivate me as someone who is also recovering from an eating disorder. I hope everything works out in California and after my visit this past month, I hope to eventually move somewhere out there in the future. The weather sure beats the Nashville humidity! Thank you again for this post!!!!