My Blog List

Jun 15, 2011

the scars of your love

i don't write as much personal stuff on my blog anymore because of many different reasons. probably mostly out of fear of what people will think of me, label me as, or misjudge me in a way that i may not like. but at the end of the day, i rather take the risk to expose my wounds in hopes that another broken soul may stumble across this and find some guidance.. so i am ripping off the band aid as fast as possible in hopes i don't still need it.
i get that people may or may not understand the lifestyle i have chosen, but this is not my problem. in a world of judgmental people, i have accepted the fact that as long as i keep pushing the boundaries, i will continue to have those who want to see me fail. the funny thing about that is i will continue to fail so keep on watching because i just don't give a fuck. at any rate, i am and will always be a risk taker. & that my friend, is the difference between me and those who misread me as they live their comfortable, "safe", mediocre lives. i do not judge these people or wish harm upon them, but i know in my heart that i can't take any bad vibes too personally, because unless you know me, i mean really know me, you honestly have no idea what i have been through, where i am headed, and how - even though i am scared shitless half the time- i continue to take the leap. i fail, i learn, i grow, i get stronger, and i continue to pursue the world as i want it to be for myself.
there is a difference between being selfish and putting yourself first. i have put myself last for so long, even in bouts of being self absorbed. mind you, i have put myself through hell and back while getting no where. yet, i have finally gotten to a point in my life where i have entirely devoted myself to put me first. to take care of myself. somedays i find myself so utterly depleted from giving all of myself to others, while getting nothing in return, if not worse, getting myself hurt or punished along the way.
& after years of this i'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired. i try to take every struggle as an opportunity. if by only switching your perspective in the slightest, you can soon realize that you are not being knocked down over & over again. you are, in retrospect, pushing through and once again surviving when all odds are against you.
i can honestly sit here and say at this very moment, that i have battled, fought, survived, and recovered from an eating disorder that has pretty much threatened my life and sanity every single day for the last 6 years. i've always wanted to help other and wished for the day that i could put my story out there to save other girls JUST LIKE ME who feel alone, who self destruct, who hate themselves, so on so forth. but the truth is... i never believed i would recover. i could never see that piece of the puzzle actually being put back together. & by the grace of God, by some miracle, and by living out my passion and love for acting and creativity, i found my cure.
i found my cure, so now i know personally that is it possible to move on. i mean this with everything in my heart. this does not go just for eating disorders, it goes for all addictions, depression, OCD, what have you. most mental illnesses have a common bond (and often come in 2 for 1 packages) ...& how people find ways to cope is what may lead them into a life threatening and destructive lifestyle.
& this is me putting myself out there, cutting to the core and exposing my battle scars to those who feel just like i felt. for those who do not believe in a better tomorrow. for those who feel like a lost cause. because as much as your life has or does hurt like hell. things will get better. things. always. get. better. with a bit of faith you can truly conquer the fucking world.
this is one of the many reasons why i do not believe in judging, doubting, or hating other people, because unless you know what it is that person is going through, unless you know HOW IT FEELS, you have no place to pretend like you understand. because as a matter of fact, you just don't get it and you never will.

#stopthehate #loveyourself #pursuelove

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