love & pain.

i have had some pretty incredible experiences lately that have made me realize that i am finally accomplishing goals i've always wanted. i've been so caught up in school work, and i know i need to write and reflect on these things when they happen. the fact that i still get messages from strangers who have read my blog and just want to thank me for helping be an inspiration... is well, that's what it's all about. just knowing i have changed one person's life is enough, but changing lives is a dream come true.

i got a message recently that was really sweet so i wanted to quote tid bits of it:  "i just wanted to say your blog.. what you're doing. it matters to me... you have completely expanded my horizon on the types of music i listen to, and now thanks to you it's kind of unbearable to get through a day without passion pit :) and i wouldn't have it any other way. you also have a great sense of style, it's kind of fearless actually.thank you, for being an inspiration on more than one occassion!"

so yes this thing that i am doing, whatever it really is... it's going somewhere. i like to put my ideas and passion out into the world to let other people know that it's okay to be who you are. it's okay to be scared, we all need courage to finally accept ourselves. this is the most certain i have been about my life in a very long time. it hasn't been the easiest journey, but it sure as hell has become real. i had a breakthrough moment in my acting class the other day. probably the biggest wall i have torn down and success i have felt as an acting student. 

i had to take myself to a very dark place for a scene. i could have avoided the realness of what was at stake, and merely tried to "act" it. but, i let go. i let myself get to a sad and angry emotion that was needed for the type of scene i was doing. it was so real that is was scary at first, i couldn't clear right away. but once i got it under control, i was in complete awe. it felt so surreal and unexplainable and so perfect. i remembered in that moment why i have always wanted to do this. why does anyone want to act? well, because most actors are crazy. but the crazy one's touch other people lives. i saw i had affected people who were watching the scene, they felt MY pain because it was honest.

 & thats where my journey has taken me recently. i have conquered so much in such a short amount of time. as cliche as it sounds, i do believe everything happens for a reason. the fact that i am at my dream school is fate. i wasn't even looking at it for a full time education, i only auditioned for the summer program. at my audition i was asked if i wanted to be reviewed for the year so i said yes, and well look at where i'm at now.

 my teachers and peers are all becoming so precious to me. and i have never had that before. i am facing challenges and struggles, but releasing talents that i always wondered if i even had. i feel very at home and like i am really getting to where i have been trying to go for so long..

i don't want to ramble on and on, okay i already have... but i just, i don't know, i get it right now. i understand why bad things happen, because if you hold on long enough, if you fight a little harder, you will realize you are stronger than you could have ever dreamed of being. maybe you're not so crazy after all. never give into the idea that you must be ordinary. life takes courage loves.