This is my time to live. no one is going to hold me back. i want to succeed. i want to fall in love again. i want to meet new people. & most importantly, i want to be me at the same time. i will always be the first person to make you laugh, even when i am scared. but i hope i can truly stay happy.i stayed in on a friday night. dinner with the family, no desire to go out. lots of alone time, which i dont mind one bit. but a little dangerous as my mind always wanders. always thinking of things i want to do, pursue, create, make happen. i'm moving to LA in 3 weeks as i have been aware of. & its hitting me. i am so excited. but this excitement comes with fears, as you could imagine. i mean, i am starting a new life in some sense. a new start. a new chapter.
& in the midst of all this change--i get a solid month a home in nashville. in the most comfortable place in the world to me. and just being here brings back a whirlwind of memories... i learned so much here, so many friendships made, broken relationships, memories of past boyfriends, memories of past struggles, memories of great nights, high school craziness. everything first happened here. i grew up here. & the crazy thing is-- maybe i was more right about myself when i was younger then i could have ever imagined....
just maybe, we always had it right the first time. as long as i can remember i wanted to be somebody, make a difference. as a 5 year old i would say, "daddy, i want to be an artist when i grow up." remember that question? when you are a child, what do you want to be when you grow up? & you would answer fearlessly. i want to be an astronaut. i want to be a professional athlete. i want to be a fashion designer. i want to be a model. i want to be an actress. there were no limits. & somewhere along the way, you get older & you start to not believe in those fantasies. but i don't get it, who said they had to be make believe?
it's just that we stop trying. we stop believing in ourselves & settle for the mediocre life. if thats what make you happy, then fine. but i have never wanted to be average & i am not going to give up the fearlessness i had as a little girl. even though i will admit I AM FUCKING SCARED. i am terrified actually. no more mommy holding my hand though this one. hollywood will be my playground & i hope i don't fuck it up. but to me, i dont see myself as sexy, or a fake wannabe actress. to me, being honest is the most incredible talent and quality. it is so hard to just be honest with yourself, with others.
when someone asks you what do you want to do? don't lie. don't say what you think is the right answer. speak from your heart, as ridiculous as your ideas may seem. at least if you speak them, they become possible. then if you believe them, they can become achievable. and if you can be successful, your hopes can become real. so i don't know, i guess i just hope that i can replace my fears with curiosity & creativity. of course i am scared of failure, but that sure as hell doesn't mean i won't try.